Building on three wildly successful Indiana Jones adventures, The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was billed as a surefire winner. Yes, it’s been decades since a much younger Harrison Ford did battle with Nazis and other assorted villains, but the latest incarnation of Indiana used Jones’ advancing age to advantage. Indy was again paired with the lovely Marion, the first film’s feistiest character. Jones’ young sidekick in Crystal Skull is Marion’s son and, it turns out, is related to Indiana as well. Indiana’s lovable father and faithful academic backer are gone, sad but realistic time-markers that add to the film’s authenticity. Moreover, there are new bad guys to deal with, 1950s-era Soviet spies bent on stealing nuclear secrets, a first-rate example of art imitating life. All the ingredients for a fourth wonderful film were in place. The film couldn’t miss. But it did.
I haven’t felt as ripped off by a movie since Rocky IV, or was it Rocky V? And for similar reasons. Actually, Crystal Skull falls victim to some old cinema traps, and one new one.
One old pitfall was the inability to invent new and exciting chase scenes. In the previous Indiana Jones movies, Ford has been chased on horseback, in cars and trucks, in and on tanks, on and by motorcycles, by airplanes and boats, in mining cars, and of course on foot. Crystal Skull offered more of exactly the same, while audiences looked on knowing either Indy wouldn’t be caught or would get away in any case. Yawn. The producers were knocked out by the “Rocky syndrome.” After a fight scene shows 30 jaw-rattling blows, what’s next? 35. Yawn. Another Indy chase scene? Wake me when it’s over.
I know the Indiana Jones films are not supposed to be died-in-the-wool realistic adventures. Humor is a big part of the series, and having too many heroes bite the dust is a real party killer. Yet, when every good guy or gal survives each and every traumatic event, no matter what the odds and no matter how impossible escape appears to be, a light-hearted movie can become just silly. In Crystal Skull we are to believe that dozens of crack KGB operatives firing hundreds of automatic weapon rounds at close range can’t score one hit. Only three or four MPs guard America’s “greatest secrets” and a nuclear bomb. Windshields are shattered by incoming bullets, but the heroes immediately behind the glass are not hit. Indiana and his band pull off one escape by riding an open-top military vehicle off one cliff and three waterfalls without a single occupant suffering so much as a lasting bruise. A sword fight, with the dueling combatants standing on separate vehicles, weaves at high speed through dense jungle, and although the sequence lasts several minutes, no one gets a scratch. The Keystone Cops did this stuff almost 100 years ago, and it was funnier.
Indiana Jones survives a nuclear blast by hurling himself into a lead-lined refrigerator. I mean, really!
The new trap ensnaring Crystal Skull I shall dub the “Mary Poppins syndrome.” Older readers may recall Ms. Poppins taking several minutes to pull a large lamp and other household items from her carpet bag, prompting Michael Banks to check under the table for a non-mysterious explanation of the phenomena. Walt Disney Productions spent those precious minutes showing off the latest advances in cinematic magic, projecting events on screen that look realistic but just cannot occur in real life. Ever since, movie makers have wasted precious viewing time, huffing and puffing to impress, not entertain, an audience. Crystal Skull indulges in such braggadocio, creating scene upon amazing scene impossible to produce a few years ago. Giant ants carry a bad guy to his grisly end. The ubiquitous temple is bigger and more complex, and more realistic, than any before. The flying saucer, the nuclear explosion, and so forth and so on.
Thankfully, Crystal Skull avoids succumbing altogether to the computer enhancement trap. A Jones adventure still informs the heart of the movie. Other modern offerings are not so lucky. Jumper and Hancock fail as movies precisely because the focus is not on a story, but today’s cinematic technological wonders. The film is not without its moments, and on the Franklin scale of 1 to 10, 10 being best, I give Crystal Skull a 5.
The scariest part of the movie is its final scene where Indy and Marion tie the knot. As everyone is leaving the ceremony, Marion’s son attempts to try on Indy’s hat, leaving the audience wondering if another generation of Indiana Jones movies are in the works. Let’s hope not.
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Posted by Jerry Pomeroy in Movie Review, Video